Yes, next to you, close to you, not far away, all the time
Were you hiding?
No, I was just … I was just invisible
Rather absent. It was hard for me to find myself, to feel inside. It was hard for me to see myself, find out who I am. As if you made an appointment with a stranger, but you never saw a picture of him, nor did he tell you what he looks like or how he dressed …
Why wouldn’t he say?
I do not know. Maybe he preferred it, maybe he had some fun because of it, being searched for? Or maybe he did something wrong and was afraid to admit or reveal? Or maybe simply because he is afraid of meeting new people.
Then why would he want to meet me at all? Why would he, for example, talk to me on the phone?
Exactly. Probably because he wanted what he was afraid of. Or maybe he was just afraid of what he wanted. Probably yes. He might have been afraid that what he wanted was wrong.
What did he want?
I guess most just be happy.
Nothing wrong, is it? After all, we all want to be happy. This is a basic need. I cannot imagine that I would be afraid to be happy!
But that’s not the point! It’s not that being happy is wrong!
No? This is what?
Whether it’s wrong to want happiness for yourself.
Well, how can you think so at all?
You can. If you think you don’t deserve it. You know, maybe he knew meeting me (you) meant something good. But if he felt he didn’t deserve something good, he was afraid of it.
I still don’t understand how you can be afraid of something good, be afraid of it, and ultimately not choose it for yourself.
Well you can.
Have you ever received anything valuable?
Were you afraid you would lose it?
Hmm … well, I must have had such concerns.
And would you give it without fear to a stranger? Or someone who can destroy it?
Come on! That would be stupid!
You see. Now do you understand? It’s a matter of trust. Trust yourself. To the other man. It’s just awe. If you do not trust someone, you will not give them anything valuable, you will be afraid that they may destroy it, not only because it is yours, but also because it is good.
You didn’t trust yourself?
I don’t trust all the time. Now a little less. Enough that I allow something good in my life to entrust it to myself and not be afraid of screwing up. eg, to be noticed.
I see you!
I know. But before that, I was invisible.
Which doesn’t mean I haven’t seen you!
You saw me?
Yes. I saw you hiding. I always wondered why. You know, it’s not like you can’t see it, you can see it, but it’s not …
No. This is not easy. It is difficult to watch loneliness, fear.
Hmm … you called it loneliness, but I don’t see it that way. It’s not loneliness, but rather … abandonment? Abandoning yourself? And it is not about some mystical hermitage, it is not about a lack of selfishness. On the contrary. When you are far from the world, from people, you go crazy. Unless you do it as a break from its hustle and bustle. If you have contact with people, with yourself, with the world – you can afford a mystical hermitage. If you don’t, the mystical hermitage will only destroy you, lead you to the edge of your endurance …
Yes, it hurts. It hurts just like the moment when it turns out that although you are walking slower, no one has waited for you. First, you would like someone to walk next to you so that you can talk to them. When he is a bit ahead – just to feel that you are still going with someone. In the end, it would be enough if he was still on the horizon to see the other person. Just that: tiny colored figures somewhere far ahead.
Then there’s some massacre.
Then there’s you know … hard, just hard. This is the last place you want to be then. You are angry with yourself for not being able to walk faster, go with them.
Keep up with the pace?
Mm, you’re angry that they didn’t wait, didn’t even look back at you, didn’t ask how you were feeling, and finally – that they didn’t slow down, not just for you, but just to walk together.
Yes, it’s not fair that they left you that way. People should wait for themselves, watch each other, ask if they can help.
And you stay angry with yourself?
Exactly. Ultimately, you don’t accept that you are doing worse, that you are slower. Then comes this moment – you abandon yourself out of anger that others have abandoned you. You are fed up with being slower that no one waited. That they went away and left you alone. So you walk away from yourself too. You stand there, in the middle of the road, stamp your feet and cry as loud as you can. You will not go further to make the whole world out of spite … you will stop so that you will never catch up with them and that they will never see you again …
And the most you do is to spite yourself
exactly. The question of how much can you look after yourself …
It depends on how much care has been taken in the past.
I can see you got it. You understand better and better what I mean